Advocating for your Child’s Needs at School
I think we can all agree, having been a student ourselves and then parenting them, that being at school is often like being on another planet. It is an environment where children can make choices without parental oversight. That builds fear in the parent as well as fear in the child. Why in the child? Shouldn’t they simply feel excited to test their choice-making skills without an immediate judgment from Mom or Dad? It is a little like standing on the end of a diving board over the deep end of the pool. What happens next is all up to you, and there are consequences attached. Fear is a common emotion that all students share. We have to look deeper to see how being a foster or adopted child might cause typical childhood fears to be different somehow, so that we can properly deal with them as a parent.
I am a terrible test-taker, but I managed to graduate from college with an engineering degree. I studied harder than most and learned deep breathing exercises because I knew that I might “lock up” during a routine test. I feared earning a grade lower than necessary. My youngest daughter also has test anxiety. Her junior year of high school was especially difficult as she took two math courses that often had her studying late into the night. They were virtual classes because of COVID-19 school closures. We worked with her before each test to ensure she felt confident about the material, but she began to fail her tests miserably. This necessitated a deeper look.
Emma’s Story*
Emma was adopted at 18 months old. She spent those months in both a hospital and a low income, Chinese orphanage with many other children and very few caretakers. Born with a cleft lip and palate, eating and drinking were difficult for her. Early on, she was forced to employ survival skills to get what she needed. This created a place in her brain that convinces her she needs to “self-preserve” by any means possible. If a situation is out of her control, then her brain kicks into survival mode. A math test with a problem she cannot solve will have a direct impact on her GPA, which equals PANIC. Panic equals locking up. Locking up equals poor test-taking. Poor test-taking equals feelings of sadness and inadequacy.
Thank goodness we recognized this trend early. During Emma’s elementary years, my wife was always intentional about introducing herself to each of Emma’s teachers at the beginning of the school year. This allowed us as parents to partner with her teachers in helping Emma to feel safe, understood, and supported. We maintained regular contact throughout the school year in order to address any concerns.
Emma seemed to experience more felt safety in middle school and early high school. But demanding AP and dual credit courses collided with the pandemic during her junior year. In her math classes, I could see Emma doubting herself and even struggling with panic attacks. As a result, I went to her math teacher on multiple occasions to discuss our concerns and devise a plan of action. Her math teacher also wants her to be successful and recognized that Emma is a hard worker. Her teacher kindly offered to answer Emma’s questions face-to-face outside of the virtual classroom. She also offered to allow Emma to take tests when Emma is not pressed for time. Neither of these strategies gave Emma an advantage over other students, but the new approach helped to dispel Emma’s fears. When she took the tests, she no longer panicked. She gained confidence in her ability to understand the concepts, in recognizing that time is not an oppressive factor, and in the knowledge that her teacher genuinely cares for her. She ended the year with top marks in math.
Understanding that Emma had a deeper fear, stemming from her past and affecting her test taking abilities, was not easy. It took hard work from all the involved parties: Emma, parents, and teacher. The truth is that there was a connection to her past, and without acknowledging it, she might never overcome the fears in her life. We recognize these things and advocate for her in school, so she can learn to do the same things for herself in the future.
6 Ways to Make Yourself Present in your Child’s Education
Since the majority of children in school have not experienced grief, loss and trauma, we cannot expect teachers and administration to understand the needs of a child who has. As parents, we become the professionals. It is important to make yourself present in your child’s education by doing the following:
1. Communicate regularly with your child’s teacher. Keep the lines of communication open through email, meetings, even a quick handwritten note on a homework assignment. Be open to hearing about the ups and downs so you can have a better picture of how to support your child at school.
2. Encourage your child’s teacher. A quick thank-you note or $5 coffee gift card at Christmas goes a long way in letting the teacher know you appreciate their hard work, effort, and partnership.
3. Be involved. Volunteer in the classroom, chaperone field trips or sporting events, or help with parties. Your presence helps to build connection with both your child and teachers.
4. Get a comprehensive evaluation. If your child seems to be facing learning, emotional, or behavioral difficulties, a full assessment will help identify an accurate diagnosis (if there is one) and the most effective treatment.
5. Identify who is on your team. Other professionals, such as doctors, counselors, social workers, and therapists, are there to support you. You are not in this alone.
6. Don’t be afraid to speak up. If your child is struggling and you don’t feel you are being heard, continue to advocate for your child’s needs, even if it means meeting with the principal or school counselor as well. You are your child’s best advocate!
*Emma’s story is shared with her permission.